New Words for the Indecisive

by Nicole DeMarco


             Before I continue, I’d like to issue the following disclaimer: if there exists a word (in English, or any other tongue) that means any of these things, I’m fully unaware. My goal in writing this is merely to pick up the slack of our Indo-European predecessors.

1. Starvacillangst [star-vas-ill-angkst] (noun): The anxiety one feels when unable to decide what he or she is in the mood to eat.

            The hardship of the hungry! The frustration of the famished! Do I want a turkey club? Nachos? Pad Thai? Do I wanna go HAM (mmm…ham) on a sleeve of Oreos? Make a man out of some chips? Would some guac hit the spot? (No wait. Disregard that last example. Everyone always wants guac, no matter what).

            The thing is, everything you think you might want to eat is a completely different taste, which makes narrowing down the selection even more of a Herculean task. If you settle on the wrong thing, your meal just feels like a colossal waste of eating and a caloric assault on your taste buds.

Ex: The menu diversity at Shirley’s local eatery gave her an overwhelming bout of starvacillangst, causing her to order one of everything. 

2. Celerambulatorability [suhler-am-byuh-luh-tour-uh-bill-i-tee] (noun): The capacity to hastily decide if one has enough time to cross the street before getting hit by a car.

            One must be swift-footed and sure to successfully pull off this jaywalk jog. Reluctance in step or hesitance in gait means either a) you’re now one of those douchebags stuck in the middle of the street between traffic lanes b) you suck because now your friends have to wait for you on the other side of the road or c) you actually got hit by a car.

Ex: Peggy Sue is a nice gal and all, but her celerambulatorability is abysmal; she’s lucky to be alive after today’s trek through NYC.

3. Interattirecide [in-ter-uh-tahy-ra-sahyd] (verb): To struggle in trying to choose between clothing sizes.

            I can’t necessarily speak to the universality of this dilemma, but it’s happened to me often enough that I desperately hope it’s not another one of those “no that’s just you” problems.

             Anyway, this is sort of the worst. Maybe one size is a better length, but tighter around the middle. Perhaps you’ve recently tacked on a few el bees and you’re not sure if your normal size can aesthetically accommodate your kimono arms. You get the idea.

 Ex: I spent nearly an hour in the Urban Outfitter’s dressing room because I kept interattirecizing after trying on this hipster chic hobo dress.