6 Circles of Hell
by Nicole DeMarco
It’s my ardent contention that these groups of people have a special place reserved for them in the fiery depths of Hades.
1. People That Won’t Stop Talking About Going to the Gym
Look bro, if you’re really pumping iron as hard as your Facebook status, Tweet, and Foursquare check-in suggest, the results will speak for themselves. Because modern science continues to fail me, your working out does nothing for MY waistline, and therefore, I don’t really care.
2. Dieters That Feel the World Ought to Know They’re on a Diet
Closely related, yet distinct enough to merit its own adjacent plot in Tartarus. Look, kudos to you if you wanna unclog your arteries and lower your cholesterol. Seriously. That’s swell. But unless you’re Kirstie Alley, there’s just no need to publicize your dietary exploits.
Oh, what’s that? Today you only ate three blades of grass and half a serving of kale? That’s neat. I had a muffin, four bagels, and three small children.
My main question for these folks is, “What do you want me to say?” Seriously, ‘cause I have no goddamn idea how to respond to the epic shitstorm of information you just laid on me. Like none whatsoever. Oh, your boyfriend cheated on you with your mom? You’re $200,000 in debt and the bank is going to foreclose on your house? You have the clap?
Do I commiserate? Do I minimize your suffering? Offer a tragic anecdote of my own? I only met you five minutes ago, so I really don’t know which route you’d prefer.
4. People That Preface Statements with, “No offense, but…”
Nice distancing move and all, but there’s a 99 percent chance that I’m still going to be offended by whatever is about to come out of your mouth. You probably could have guessed that, though, otherwise you wouldn’t have felt the need to use this verbal maneuver in the first place. Next time, don’t bother vainly trying to soften your bluntness. Just man up and say what ya gotta say.
5. Joke Thieves
You suck and you’re not funny. You ganked comedic intellectual property and thus, you’ve landed yourself eternal residency in Satan’s quarters. Extra fire and brimstone for you if you’re one of those people that merely repeats something someone just said, only louder.
6. Movie Talkers
“What’s happening?” “Who’s that?” “Do they die at the end?” Oh em eff gee, I don’t know. But, if I were a betting gal, I’d stake my life savings that if you just watch the film, you’d find out within the next 90 minutes. Until then, pass the popcorn and sta’ zitto!