First World Problems (Part I)
by Nicole DeMarco
While it is paramount that these dilemmas be kept in perspective, there is surely no harm in delighting in the absurdity that comprises this non-exhaustive account of the quandaries unique to the Ipad-toting, Benz-driving, quinoa-munching members of the First World.
1. Deciding If Something Is More of a Tweet or Facebook Status
Speaking strictly from personal experience, nothing causes me to spiral into existential crisis mode quite like this debacle. Can my amusing anecdote about the annoying sluts that sit behind me in philosophy be adequately conveyed in 140 character or less? Could this screenshot get enough ‘likes’ to start its own organized cult following? I just don’t know. I couldn’t possibly post it onto both forums, lest I be called out for such an egregious violation of the sacred laws of social networking. Life is just so hard.
Somehow, “GO DUCK YOURSELF!” just doesn’t pack the same punch as the intended version of this…less than polite…command. How the duck is any self-respecting texter supposed to deliver scathing diatribes when up against a hurdle so insurmountable as autocorrects? Duck if I know. It’s really hard to communicate what a hardass bitch you are when actual profanities are punctuated by mentions of quacking birds, and that ducking sucks. (I promise there will be no more lame duck / fuck jokes for the duration of this piece).
3. Forgetting Your Headphones
This is especially dreadful if you’re a public transportation commuter. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you’d all much rather listen to the dulcet tones of your fave Pandora station than the cacophonous screeching of babies and the bumbling drivel of the schizophrenic dude next to you. (I am by no means trivializing the severity of this or any other personality disorder). This disaster can strike in other contexts, too. Getting that heart rate up at the gym is exponentially more torturous without your carefully made playlist available. If you’re super bougie, you’ll be mourning the absence of your Bluetooth earbud things that probably cost more than my first car.