(Some of) Life’s Unfortunate Guarantees

by Nicole DeMarco


1. You’ll wake up early when you don’t have to

While waking up to any one of the 34 alarms you’ve set the other 5 or 6 days a week is, in terms of difficulty, roughly equivalent to jogging through molasses (or maybe just jogging…whatever, no judgment), you can pretty much bank on being bright eyed and bushy tailed at the asscrack of dawn the one Saturday a month you’ve nothing to do and no place to be. Try to make the best of these few extra hours of consciousness, though. Read that book you’ve been meaning to get to, use your French press, or yanno…work that brisk walk of yours up to a jog.

2. You will see people out in public when you look…less than stellar

It’s almost as though there’s an 11th commandment etched in stone somewhere that reads, “Thou Shalt Look Like Shit in Public, and Thou Shalt Be Embarrassed and Doomed to Be Disheveled.” Okay, maybe not, but chances are 10:1 that the second you leave the warm cocoon of your bed / Netflix, it’s gonna be a goddamn reunion. Guests include: exes, that bitch you know from high school who somehow always looks fucking fabulous, and potential employers. Their judgmental stares serve as harsh reminders that if you’re going to be unkempt, at least wear a hat to conceal your birds’ nest inspired coif.

3. You will forget your umbrella, and it will rain…a lot.

Pretty straightforward. You neglected to tune into the forecast this morning, only to discover firsthand the apocalyptic downpours responsible for your wet socks, frizzy hair, and the literal dampening of your will to live. Alternatively, if you tote your best bubble ‘brella around all day, you’re in for clear skies and looking like a paranoid douchebag.

4. You will pour cereal, and there will be no milk

Maybe your roommate hates puppies and rainbows and thinks it’s kosher to put empty cartons back into the fridge, maybe you forgot taking the last swig of 1% yesterday morning, but whatever the case, you’ve got cereal…but no milk. Your best bet is to throw those toasted grains in a plastic baggy so you can eat that ish on-the-go, pretending it doesn’t taste like scratchy sadness and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

5. You will arrive at your destination, and a great song will come on the radio.

Naturally, during your commute there will be nothing but static and ads cluttering the airwaves. Suddenly, though, the second you’re home, at your stop, whatever, angelic choirs part and you’re inundated in the auditory bliss that is your fave jam. Power ballad, techno beat, 90s throwback, doesn’t matter—it’s all you can do to resist your desperate urge to burst out into full orchestral conductor mode and belt out every word, no matter how out of range.