Times It Would Be Useful to Have a Significant Other
by Nicole DeMarco
That the holiday season may serve as a cruel and relentless reminder of singlehood is pretty unanimous. However, the utility of having a beau is hardly limited to the few weeks that prick Cupid (known to our Greek brethren as ‘Eros’) flutters around shooting chocolate-covered arrows of concupiscence. The following seeks to elaborate on some of those instances where having duped someone into loving you would really come in handy.
1. Opening Jars
Look, I’m all for unfettering the shackles of oppressive gender stereotypes and all that, but the fact remains: dudes are (generally) stronger than chicks, and some broads are stronger than other broads. It’s science. You can’t argue with science. (Or so I’ve been told. This is also an instance where the gays have it all figured out…this a ‘can’t lose’ type situation). Anyways, the point is, there’s literally nothing more tragic in the entire world than not being able to open a jar. Perhaps you’ll take the ‘run the lid under hot water’ route. Well, if you’re anything like me, you’ll waste no less than 30 gallons of water waiting for it to heat up, only to accomplish little more than giving yourself a nifty variety of first degree burns. Even if adrenaline kicks in and you experience a surge of Herculean strength, you’ll most likely lose your shit and wind up sloshing pickle juice all over your shirt. At this point, doused in briny sadness, it’s probably best to curl up in a ball and start batting those eyelashes at the next person you see who’s got greater hand strength than the Gerber baby.
2. Putting On a Duvet Cover
Seriously, have you ever endeavoured to do this solo? It’s damn near impossible. I myself have almost suffocated under seemingly endless layers of cottony foe more times than I’m comfortable admitting. Nothing exclaims, “I’m single and sleeping alone!” quite like the shapeless, empty top corners of your bed linens, or worse yet, if you’ve really succumb to the treachery of the decorative coverlet, a bare down comforter.
3. If You Want to Ride a Tandem Bike
I mean, come on. Is there anything more likely to drive the general populace ad nauseam with the unmistakable glee of coupledom than a pair of lovebirds on a tandem bike? No, no there is not. Riding one of these bad boys with a platonic partner just doesn’t pack the same Tour de France (that’s a thing, right?) since everyone knows you’re not peddling off into the sunset to bask in each other’s (real or imagined) beauty and pick out china patterns.
If you still fancy yourself a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man, I guess you could always buy a can opener, knit yourself a quilt, and opt for an alternate form of non-vehicular transportation. You go, Glenn Coco.